Self-regulation isn't suppression. The Stop-Breathe-Observe method, Viktor Frankl's space between stimulus and response, and how to actually train the skill.
Hello friends,
What comes to mind when you think of self-regulation?
Try this image: a bunch of emotions and impulses having a wild party in your brain, and self-regulation is the responsible bouncer trying to keep it under control. It's not as boring as it sounds, and it's definitely not just for people with anger issues trying to keep themselves from exploding.
Sure, self-regulation includes self-control, like resisting the urge to say something sharp to the driver who just cut you off. But it's so much more than that. It's closer to the ultimate multitasking skill, the one that can make you the calmer manager, colleague, family member, or partner in the room.
What self-regulation actually is
Think of it as being the conductor of your own attention and behaviour. You can avoid knee-jerk reactions and switch strategies when needed, staying grounded while things around you get chaotic.
How it helps in daily life
It helps you become the version of yourself you actually want to be. You can meet frustration when a colleague rambles on, stress when your to-do list grows taller than you can handle, or a flash of anger when someone hits a sensitive spot, and instead of reacting to all of it on autopilot, you get to choose how you respond. You stop relying on external circumstances to dictate your state of mind.
Let's be honest, we all want to be the calm, collected person, and in genuinely triggering moments, situations that bring out an out-of-proportion emotional response, either freezing completely or running with the emotion, we often fail at it. We react in the blink of an eye, then regret it later, thinking: I really wanted to handle that differently. Everybody struggles with this. Having worked with more than twenty senior leaders, the wish to get better at self-regulation is one of the most common things that comes up. It's a skill that can be learned, even in the most heated moments.
You move from being compelled to actually having a choice. The real ingredient of self-regulation is choice. You still have the option to raise your voice or storm out of a meeting, but now it's a conscious choice rather than an automatic one. You're aware of your own actions and reactions.
This independence from external circumstances is a genuinely useful skill, for leaders and for anyone else. Humans are messy. We say things we don't mean, and act from our lowest selves sometimes. Self-regulation helps you not take that personally, and find empathy for other people, because deep down, most of us just want to be happy, even when we go about it in strange ways.
The power of choice was discovered in the most extreme circumstances possible by Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor. Despite years of unimaginable suffering in concentration camps, he stayed mentally strong and supported fellow inmates. He came to see that stepping out of autopilot meant creating a space between something happening and our reaction to it. In that space, we're in control. The same way we can choose our attitude toward what we can't control, we can learn to self-regulate when things get heated.
The Stop-Breathe-Observe method
Here's a technique that's genuinely helped me:
Stop. When you feel triggered, when anger rises, when thoughts clash, hit the brakes. Picture a big red stop sign in your mind. This creates the pause that lets you move to the next step.
Breathe. Take a few deep, calming breaths. It soothes your nervous system and takes you out of the fight-or-flight mode that's so common in triggering situations.
Observe. Now, observe your inner experience. Tune into your body and locate where the emotion is sitting. Instead of saying "I am angry," try "there is anger in my body." Feel the raw energy behind it, like a storm passing through rather than something that defines you.
Meditation is like the gym for this muscle. Every time you sit down to meditate, you practice creating distance from your thoughts, becoming a witness to them, and letting your breath calm you. Research shows that meditation increases grey matter in the anterior cingulate cortex, the part of the brain most closely tied to self-regulation.
My meditation teacher, Punnu Wasu, always says: "in every moment, we can be happy." That's not some abstract idea, it's applicable to each of us, right now. So go ahead: choose to be at peace, one moment at a time.
Have a lovely day,
P.S. The Stop-Breathe-Observe method and the space between stimulus and response are core tools in Module 6 of our 8-week Emotional Intelligence in Action programme. Discovery Call is at cal.com/sophie-bachmann/discovery-call when you're ready.