Most of us learn to be kind to others long before we learn to be kind to ourselves. Kristin Neff's three dimensions of self-compassion, and a journaling practice to try tonight.
Hello friends,
Most of us learn as children how important it is to be kind and compassionate with others. We're rarely taught that we have to do this with ourselves first, if we actually want to live it authentically with anyone else. Later, as adults, a lack of self-compassion tends to show up as over-the-top expectations of ourselves and a loud, harsh inner critic.
What is Mindful Self-Compassion?
It's a concept developed by Dr. Kristin Neff that brings mindfulness and compassion together. Self-compassion means treating ourselves in hard moments the way we'd treat a good friend: supportive, understanding, on our side. And a hard moment doesn't have to mean something dramatic. It can just be a mistake, a setback, a wave of a feeling we don't like, or noticing something about ourselves we wish were different.
Instead of criticizing ourselves harshly in these moments, or swallowing the pain with clenched teeth, we pause to acknowledge that it's difficult right now, and ask: how can I support myself in this moment?
Self-compassion isn't self-pity. Self-pity puts us and our suffering at the center and tends to pull us further into the problem, isolating us from other people. Self-compassion does the opposite: it creates a little distance from the situation, so we can stay mindful of our feelings while strengthening ourselves from within. Instead of judging ourselves harshly or wishing we, or the situation, were different, we get to accept a simple fact: we're human, and human means imperfect.
The three dimensions of Mindful Self-Compassion
Mindfulness. Awareness of our inner process. In a hard moment, we're able to notice our emotions and thoughts without getting lost in them, without pushing them down and without amplifying them. We allow ourselves to admit that something is difficult.
Human connectedness. The recognition that things not going the way we want is part of being human. Struggle, at every scale, is one of the things that connects all of us.
Kindness to ourselves. Learning to speak to and about ourselves the way a good friend would: with understanding, not judgment, and consciously stepping out of self-criticism.
Doesn't this just make us lazy?
It's a common worry when people first meet the concept: too much compassion sounds like it might make us soft, or let us off the hook. In practice, it's the opposite. Behind most self-sabotaging habits, like procrastination, sits a quieter belief that we don't quite trust ourselves, or that we're afraid of failing. That, in turn, comes down to not trusting ourselves to handle the hard feelings that come with trying. When we know we can take care of ourselves even through a genuinely difficult moment, we build real resilience and trust ourselves more. Bringing in new ideas, standing up for yourself, taking a risk, actively shaping your own life: all of that takes inner strength, and kindness toward yourself is exactly what builds it.
A journaling practice to try tonight
Mindfulness, the foundation of Mindful Self-Compassion, can be strengthened through regular meditation, and through journaling. For journaling, take a piece of paper and write down whatever's going on inside you. It's only for you, it doesn't need to be shared with anyone, and that's exactly what makes it useful: a space to be fully honest.
At the end of a day, reflect and write down what felt hard: situations that were difficult, moments you might have wanted to handle differently. Pick one of those, and work through it with the three dimensions:
- Mindfulness: write down the feelings tied to the situation. How did you actually feel? Stay understanding, don't judge the feelings.
- Human connectedness: write down how your experience was simply human. How your reaction made sense given what came before it. Let some gentleness into that.
- Kindness to yourself: write a few empathetic, kind words, the way your very best friend would, wanting only what's good for you.
I hope you enjoy trying it.
All the best,
P.S. Self-compassion is one of the foundations of our 8-week Emotional Intelligence in Action programme. Book a Discovery Call at cal.com/sophie-bachmann/discovery-call when you're ready.